Things (1989)
Things (1989)
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiqSuC8KkNU
Things…oh buddy, Things. The film Things is one of the strangest viewing experiences I have ever seen. The film feels like an alien race filmed it to try and understand Earth’s obsession with movies. The film feels like a drug and alcohol fueled dare from some wild and crazy college kids. The film feels like someone higher up in the chain of command of some government office was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and decided that “a study of how bad movies affect our psyche” was something to investigate as a means of tactical warfare. Things is an experience. The film is another “Shot-on-Video” film, also known as the category “Shot-on-Shiteo” and this movie tried its darndest to live up to that nickname. Shot in 1989 in Canada (this film also can be found under the “Canuxploitation” genre) from director Andrew Jordan and writers Jordan and Barry J. Gillis, Things tells the story of two friends who are visiting the home of one of their brothers as the brothers wife gives birth to a series of monsters…at least I think that’s what the plot is, it is hard to tell through the bad editing, writing, acting, effects, filming, lighting, dubbing, and every other bad version of filmmaking that can be listed. Things is the final champion in the gladiator pit of bad movies you must face. So read onwards, intrepid film enthusiast, over a breakdown over the film version of a laxative known simply as…THINGS.
The
film opens with the “production” company logo and the sound cuts out as the
title, Things, appears. The sound
then kicks back in with a loud bang, that I can only assume was the film trying
to kill itself. Our ears are assaulted
with a version of the “Canadian Cha-Cha Slide” as we realize the soundtrack is
going to be composed mostly of a Casio keyboard orchestration, one that we
demand has a vinyl release. A recording
of a fever dream begins as we have a stripping devil woman and a man by the
name of Doug discuss having a child with such classic lines as “ I want you to have my baby!” Due
to some implications, Doug and his wife cannot have a child so he has come to
the Devil Woman to bear them a child. Before you can rationalize what is
happening you are whiplashed with a series of strange cuts and edits as the
devil woman reaches behind a curtain to reveal she already had the baby, a
gross ant monster baby. The man gives an
agonizing scream, realizing that he agreed to be in this film, and wakes up to
stumble around his kitchen and bring his wife some medication. We also have a
random shot of the door closing, but they are still in the room? The scene goes
to black as we are reminded that we are indeed watching Things as the
title comes up again and the main title credits roll. The titles also are
produced on a program that looks as if the film has escaped from an early 3:00
A.M. local tv station infomercial. Have
you re-read that last paragraph to make sense of what was written? You have just gotten a taste of what it is
like to watch…THINGS!
The film begins (I think) with a strange news broadcast with Porn-star Amber Lynn, playing herself as a reporter, and her brief co-host and show stealer Johnny Scott in his 3 seconds of fame.
She gives some information that serves no purpose to the film, but fear not loyal film viewer, she will return throughout the film with more pointless information with only glimmer of something resembling plot. The film cuts to what I assume is a real home invasion as Don, and his friend Fred, go to visit Don’s brother Doug. They help themselves to the beer in the fridge as Don is Doug’s brother and has “drinking privileges and they can drink all they want.” They also find a record in the freezer, what wacky fun! They play the recorder (I think? It’s hard to distinguish what is part of the film audio and not just accidently placed over the film) and it plays a satanic mumbling sound that has to be the Canadian version of the book of the dead recording from The Evil Dead. They jump into a conversation of Aleister Crowley and they talk about “the movie that Fred likes that has all those effects” which I also assume is The Evil Dead, the movie we all wish we were watching instead.
I think the goal of
the film was to try and be an homage/rip-off to The Evil Dead and The
Evil Dead 2 as there are too many scenes that share some similarities to those
films, but back to the plot! Don then decides to throw his jacket in the
fridge. Doug takes away the recorder and
the film’s score slows down, almost to help add to atmosphere of what it’s like
to have a bad LSD trip, clearly what the film’s central theme is. Fred then fumbles through the kitchen and
reassures us that the 3inch Marlin on the wall is indeed plastic.
Amber Lynn breaks back into to discuss a Dr. Lucas. If you watch the film, let us be honest not that closely because its painfully obvious, she reads her lines off camera like a poor SNL host. The film cuts mid-sentence to a torture scene in a hospital by the hands of what we can only assume is Dr. Lucas.
We hear a soft recording of someone saying “I want
you to have my baby” that doesn’t seem to have any bearing on the scene of a
man getting his eye torn out, until it changes to “I want you to kill!” I
assume it is a guiding hand telling the viewer to kill their television set so
they don’t have the watch the film anymore but watch we must. The torture scenes are done with poor effects,
and I will be interested to see how this affects the plot and-oh wait this is
the only time we see anything in this torture scene, or these characters, and
they are never explained in the film again.
Clearly this moved the plot forward like a freight train.
The film starts back up again with the hip-slapping song
“You got yourself in a Tailspin” and Fred admires Doug’s lost Salvador Dali
painting. Don and Fred discuss Doug’s art collection, including one that he
acquired from the Queen of England. The film throws the viewer a bone as we are
gifted with the true star of the film as Doug’s dog enters. I am hoping the
film was cited with a violation of animal abuse by forcing this poor dog to be
in this film. Fred and Don begin
watching a movie on the television and criticizing the poor quality of the film
and its effects, clearly not sensing any irony for themselves. Don flips through several channels before
landing on something, based solely on the audio and nothing visual, that has
got to be porn, boys will be boys! I would comment on how Fred tries every
option to light up the room before turning on a lamp and one of them watering
down the beer they are drinking as odd but let us be honest and acknowledge
those may be some of the most normal things we have seen in the film so far.
Doug enters the room, violently burps into the fridge, and makes some cheese sandwiches with 6-month-old bread.
The Casio soundtrack plays a fun little tune
to remind us how wacky fun the scene is, and Doug hides a bug in a sandwich and
says “this will be crunchy in his tummy!” Don also slaps himself and exclaims,
“Fuck I hate mosquito bites!” The first time I truly identified with the film.
Our wacky fun comes to a quick close as the boys hear screaming. It’s Susan,
Doug’s wife, and she is having an Alien movie rip-off scene erupt out of her
stomach and a strange ant monster emerges. The boys groan and grunt at the
gruesome scene as the dog uses this to his advantage to be killed by one of the
creatures and escape the film.
The film cuts to yet another random news break from Amber
Lynn providing us with no useful information, and then returns quickly to the
real action! Doug reveals to them all
that Dr. Lucas is the cause for the monsters as they are from an experiment to
impregnate Susan, as Susan and Doug could not conceive. Don tries to relieve the tension with a story
about a man named Harold who was murdered and releases a cataclysm from hell.
Doug rips him out and Don apologizes telling Doug he was just trying to
eeeeeease the tension. Fred suggests
they try and leave but Don warns them all the phones are out and they cannot
head outside because there are bears and rattlesnakes in the woods waiting to
attack. A smash cut to an image of a
drinking bird toy, symbolizing the amount of alcohol that the cast and the
audience need to get through this film.
Breaking news! We cut back to Amber Lynn and she mentions some the events of the film as she says that Fred and Don have disappeared for 14 days. Which is confusing as they were talking about leaving the house in the morning, so are they trapped in another dimension that is perpetually night? Who can say? It does not serve us well to question a film that has no answers. At least Johnny Scott makes off with an ex-porn-star in another one of his scene stealing scenes. The film returns to the house where Doug is sprayed with blood, and we find that Fred has disappeared! Don suggests he was sucked into a…moose-hole? I’m sure he said mouse-hole but it sure sounds like moose-hole. Tt is Canada, maybe they do deal with Moose related pest problems. Doug states that Fred was probably sucked into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimensions and Don counters he must have spontaneous combusted. Something we as an audience members envy as it would allow us to escape the viewing of this film. They wash the blood off Doug...
...and we smash
cut to the two of them observing some artwork by Doug as the best line exchange
in the film happens with Don saying, “You never told me you were a kindergarten
artist!” Doug responds with,” You never
told me you were an asshole I had to find out for myself!” Bravo movie, you
earned that 1 star rating (spoiler alert).
Doug casually mentions the art is from his niece that she
put them over the door before his wife and he tortured and ate her, you know
how it is. They then decide its drinking time as Don digs through the cupboards
to find some liquor as Doug gives us another classic joke of “How do you get
paper children? You fuck a bag lady!”
They hear a sound, talk about how it may be Fred, and then Doug breaks down in
tears that Fred must be dead. Don, being
the ever-caring brother, tries to comfort him by pouring whiskey on Doug’s
head. Don informs Doug that he must take a piss and they discuss the
possibility that there may be some of the creatures in the bathroom. They walk to the bathroom and turn back to
get a flashlight. Upon returning to the Kitchen, we see one of the creatures on
the stove was borrowing the flashlight for himself. The creature lets out a
mighty roar that slowly degrades in audio quality and Don kills it with a
butcher’s knife. Doug congratulates Don
with a “You got em real gooooooood…” Don goes to retrieve the flashlight, but
not before the creature breaks out into a high-pitched song that fades to
nothing. Don gets the flashlight and wipes off the light with a paper towel in
a scene that will burst anyone’s ear drums with the loudest paper towel foley to
exist on film.
Our heroes venture forward as Doug and Don enters the
world’s creakiest bathroom. We get many,
many establishing shots from around the bathroom and a playful shot of Don
tapping Doug. The coast looks clear, and
Don goes into the bathroom as Doug knocks on the door to remind him to take the
flashlight. You know, the one Don
suggested earlier they needed! Don uses the bathroom as Doug scratches outside
the door and pretends to be attacked by one of the creatures, what a goof. Doug puts on a shirt (sorry ladies) and we
get another establishing shot of the “drinky” bird. Don comes running out of the bathroom and
attacks Doug for some reason as they return to the bathroom to discover one of
the creatures on the can. Are we to
assume that Don pissed it out? Doug
laughs at it, and I guess flushes it down the toilet? They return to the kitchen to dig through the
drawers to find whatever weapons they can get their hands on, and Doug sharpens
a knife with his dry crusty hand.
The pair head down into the basement to discover a multitude of creatures down there “like spiders in a haunted house.” Doug is attacked by a creature and Don accidently bashes Doug’s head in with a meat tenderizer. Don comments how gross all the blood in the basement is and tries to carry his heavy brother out of the basement, but not before trying to fix the power. We get a five-minute sequence of Don fighting a creature and trying to fix the fuse box before returning to Doug to take him upstairs, but not before wishing “he had a midget for a brother.” They return to the kitchen where Doug says, “That’s not the way I like to get hammered man” and the comedy gold written for this movie is so great that even the television laughs at him. Doug reaches for a drink, but a creature comes out and devours his hand. Don then sets to cauterize Doug’s hand stump, a trick he learned from camp, as they are serenaded by an unseen Doo Wop group singing about a Mr. Campbell?
Don comments the blood is like
Maple Syrup (Canadian!) and Doug tells him to grab morphine from the basement
in the toolbox, where every good handyman hides their stash. Doug dies and Don
cries out, “You’re dead! No way I’m going to let these creatures eat you
alive!”
Doug gets thrown into a closet and Don plugs
in an electric drill and begins to drill in the wall for…reasons? Don finds the
corpse of the dog and wastes some good chili, as he vomits all over the floor.
He recovers and continues his drill spree killing a creature or just drilling
up a dead one. The drill becomes
unplugged, which bewilders Don as he cannot figure out how to connect the
extension cable to the power cord of the drill and he leaves the drill
behind. Upon entering the living room,
Don finds Doug seated in a chair. Don
thinks his brother is ok, but remembers that he died so now Don is haunted by
Doug…I think? Don passes out on the couch, but with enough conscious energy to wake
back up for a few seconds to grab himself a pillow, as we get a slew of
establishing shot from around the home.
Amber Lynn returns with another news report that Don and Fred may still be alive after missing for 14 days as we cut to Don being awoken to the sound of a chainsaw. It is our hero Fred! Returning from the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimensions with a corded chainsaw to lay waste to the creatures.
Don is attacked by a creature with a look of sheer terror on his
face, but the sound of hysterical laughter dubbed over. Amber Lynn cuts back in
to tell us that Don and Fred were found in a hotel on the way to visit a
relative which begs the question…who are we watching then?! When did we ever
seen anything about them traveling to a hotel?! What is this movie?! We return
to the house and find that the creatures “ate Susan to the skull” and Fred
continues to chains-saw them apart and Don tries to run, stomping creatures on
his way and finding one eating Doug’s hand.
Unfortunately, one of the creatures chews through the power cord and
Fred loses power and is attacked by the creatures. He begs Don for help while uttering such
lines as “Come back here you little fucker with my eyeball!” and “Take me to
the hospital, they can rebuild me there.
They got artificial parts these days!”
Don decides that maybe it would be best to try and save his friend but enters the room to find that Fred is nothing more than a living pile of blood and goop, still begging for help. Dr. Lucas, a different one from the one we saw earlier in the film, arrives at the home to do a social welfare check on Susan, and sees the carnage throughout the house. He does use his skills as a doctor to check the blood to make sure “yep, that’s human blood alright!” Good to know we have a professional on the scene! Dr. Lucas blames the massacre on Don, throwing a golf club across the room so Don does not kill him too. Don pleads with him saying there were creatures and that they must have eaten the remains of each other or carried them away. Dr. Lucas does not believe him and suggests he must have been watching too many horror movies. He continues to threaten Don that he is going to a home for the criminally insane before Don shoves him into a room filled with the creatures. Don says his goodbyes to Doug’s corpse and escapes out into the sunlight set to a rock soundtrack that quickly cuts from one song to another Casio keyboard soundtrack.
Don runs to a bridge where some
traveler pulls him up and Don recounts his story to the man. They then set out to Sacramento where they
can tell the police, set to another rendition of “Tailspin.” They make it to a
car before a voice-over says “Are you sure this wasn’t all just a dream?”
We smash cut to the house again as Don is attacked by a bloody zombie that may or may not be Dr. Lucas? Don barricades himself in a room and ties the doorknob up. The zombie warns him “Dead or alive were all gonna get ya, we can all wait a long, long time!” Don wails in the closet that he is gonna be ok as the film ends with the statement “You’ve just experienced Things.”
We sure have, and we have been rewarded with
the best part of the movie, the credits! The film rolls credits, but then plays
a behind the scenes shot interview with Amber Lynn talking about some films she
has worked on and John Frankenheimer.
The film finally ends, and the viewer takes a deep sigh.
Things
may be the worst film I have ever seen, and as someone who LOVES watching bad
movies, one of the hardest viewing experiences I have ever seen. The film is terrible, yet compelling. I am left with many questions over the making
of the film and its existence, and it still exists in this odd category that I
am still kind of “inspired” by it in the way of “if they made this, then I can
do anything!” It is for this reason I
oddly must recommend you watch the film, even just to wear as a badge of honor
that you made it through a viewing. I
would suggest you do so with the comfort of friends and alcohol though.
Things
is 1 ant-monster out of 5!
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